What happened to the last two months?

Whew! Whiteboard Witch is a shadow of her former self. Ofsted decided to give us their new brand of torture known as the 20 day window - they call up, and you know they could be in any time in the next 20 school days. So that meant 4 weeks of Ofsted-style lesson planning, and with a full timetable that's a huge amount of time spent writing up details that a good teacher usually has in her head ready to use as and when needed. Painful! Not to mention the MOUNTAINS of photocopied lesson plans, resources etc; I reckon we annihilated a small rain forest in that time period.

And guess when they came? Days 18 and 19, one of which happened to be my birthday. Rotten luck! To add to the irony, they didn't observe a single minute of my teaching, so 4 weeks of adrenaline-fuelled angst was all for nothing. It did, however, result in my immune system packing up for a while, so I have spent the weeks since Ofsted coughing and clawing at my eczema. Charming!

On the bright side, the school did well in the inspection, so the headteacher likes us all a bit more at present. And it is only 12 sleeps til Santa! Yay!

Is it just me?

Five weeks into the academic year and I am once again questioning the sanity of anyone who becomes a teacher!

The reason for this is the sheer volume of work that is required to do the job well. Admittedly I am a bit of a perfectionist, but with a full timetable (21 periods a week) and teaching every year group from Year 7 to Year 13, I find that in order to plan lessons, prepare resources, mark students' books, do admin and contact parents, I have to work practically non-stop at school from 8am to 6pm, and then put in 2 to 3 hours at home three nights a week, and one day at the weekend. Crazy!

I would love to know if there are secondary school English teachers out there who have found a way to do their job really well, well enough not to feel slightly guilty all the time, and still have a reasonably normal life. It's not that I don't enjoy the work - I love it, if I'm honest - but I would also love to be free in the evenings and on weekends to pursue other interests and spend more time with the people I love. In other words, what I need is a better work-life balance.

The unofficial toolkit for teachers

There are a few essentials one needs to survive in the profession. These include:

• 30 hours in a day
• An extra pair of eyes to spot what's going on in all areas of the room at once
• Strong arms for carrying piles of books home to mark
• A BS detector for when students try to bluff their way out of something
• Thick skin so their offhand comments about your appearance/intelligence etc don't hurt
• A big heart so you can care about even the least lovable students
• A well-developed sense of humour
• Plenty of friends your own age!
• A slang translator with an auto-update facility (so you know "sick" now means "cool" and "long" now means "boring")
• A taste for cold tea
• A supersize cast-iron bladder
• A microchip in your ear so you can surreptitiously listen to music during meetings!

Personality clash

Ever experienced mutual loathing on sight with someone you teach? I know it's not politically correct to admit this, but there are some kids it is hard to like.

I am only human, after all, and period 5 on a Friday is not the best time to enter my classroom shouting "You're not the boss of me!", before spending the first five minutes of the lesson defacing most of your brand new exercise book with pointless and wholly unimaginative graffiti. Nor is it wise to keep muttering "Your mum" or "sut up" (genius, huh?) under your breath every time I ask you to stop, look and listen.

I don't mind that this student doesn't like me or my teaching style - fair enough! But what happened to common courtesy? How come many of the students from the same demographic pool are able to behave in a way recognisable as sentient human beings? What sets this child apart?

The answer came when I contacted the "responsible adults" by telephone. The female respondent (not the mother, apparently) listened to what I had to say about my concerns for the child's attitude to learning with the occasional grunt, before saying "I don't care about X's behaviour, talk to her father", and hanging up on me. The father, who sounds about 12 on the phone, was a bit more voluble.

"Oh yeah, X has always had a attitude problem, even when she was a baby. We don't know what to do about it. Sorry, can't help ya."

Interesting that you have to have a licence to drive a car, but there are no basic requirements to qualify one to bring a vulnerable human being into the world, a blank slate on which to imprint your values and attitudes.

I am going to make a special effort with child X - no matter how rude she is to me.

Maybe making history?

My school may not be up there in the league tables, but I am willing to bet we have more published writers among our students than most schools in our area ...

Last term I entered several of my students into a writing competition - they were inspired by the examples of 50-word "mini-sagas" that I shared with them, and they had a go. I love encouraging kids to write, as the curriculum does not allow for much creativity, and even the less able students seem to enjoy expressing themselves constructively - from time to time!

I was delighted to receive a letter from the publishers of "Young Writers" at Remus House yesterday, informing me that 23 of my students' stories were selected for inclusion in a book that will be published in November. One copy will be housed in the British Library, one at our school, and a few others in libraries across our county. Wow! Our school may also be in line for a cash prize, but that would just be the cherry on top of a very special treat.

What really pleases me is that among the 23 are two kids who seldom shine at anything - and who have relatively low self-esteem as a result. How wonderful if this achievement, which will be celebrated at our assembly and in our local press, prompts them to see themselves in a more positive light, and helps them to discover hidden potential.

That's why I became a teacher - for moments like this. Makes all the slog worthwhile!

PS - out of 8 new classes, only two scary students - bonus!

Back to school blues

Ever noticed how, just when you really settle into your summer groove, it's suddenly time to go back to school? It always, always seems to sneak up on me, with the last two weeks going by in an unappreciated blur.

However, this has been a great summer. I got to spend time with family, catch up with friends, get reasonably fit again, read loads of good books, watch movies with my kids, cook, walk and find romance again - not bad going for five short weeks!

In addition, I was really pleased with the results of my students - all except one achieved their target grade or above - what a motivation to work even harder with this year's cohort! I am actually (hate to admit it, but it's true) looking forward to getting started again. It's just the INSET days I am dreading.

Am I the only one who thinks starting with INSET is a bad idea? You can see everyone trying to look as if they are focused, meanwhile all anyone can think of is the pile of stuff to get ready before the new classes storm through the door on Thursday. It's particularly relevant this term, because our school was off limits all summer, so I haven't even been able to go in and unpack the boxes I moved from my old classroom in July.

Unlike last year though, when I was new to the school and the profession, I now realise that the world won't end if my classroom displays are not perfect on day one. Instead of panicking, I plan to have a relaxed atmosphere for the first few days (relaxed - not undisciplined or chaotic!) and take some time to get to know the kids. I intend to make them feel that my classroom is a good place to be - that will hopefully make them more receptive to the subject!

Some of this "inspiration" has come from reading the autobiography of Frank McCourt (author of "Angela's Ashes") of his teaching career. It is an entertaining and at times startling read - the way he admits to his failings. It's called "Teacher Man" and I recommend it.

My greatest teachers: part 2

Last post I mentioned family who have taught me valuable lessons. I have also been blessed with some very special friends and colleagues who have helped to guide me on life's journey.

I have know T since we were 9 years old. We have been through it all - being best friends as kids, not speaking for a couple of years in our teens, then reconnecting and staying friends ever since. We've shared our thoughts and feelings on first love, parents, siblings, other mates and the meaning of life (not only the Monty Python version!) We have laughed together, toasted each other at our weddings, cried over our break-ups and revelled in the joy of being parents. The reason I value this relationship so much is that I can always rely on T to be honest with me. She tells me exactly what she thinks, but she is always on my side - even when she disagrees with me. From her I have learned the value of loyalty.

I emigrated away from my homeland for a variety of reasons, which meant needing to make new friends. I could never have predicted that S would be as special as T - she is a friend with whom I can share so many things - a love of reading, walking, animals and our children. Although I have known her for a far shorter time, she is my rock - I have learned to enjoy the simple pleasures of nature, cooking for my family and maintaining a sense of wonder at life's endless possiblities.

As far as my career goes, there have been colleagues who have taught me the skills I need as a teacher - planning, being organised, classroom management etc. But none of these has helped me as much as two people - D, a quiet, gentle man who never needs to raise his voice in the classroom - he instils a love of English in his students, and the rest seems effortless! I hope to emulate his wonderful calm manner.

The other special person is CD - her sense of humour has helped me keep the job in perspective - even on our worst days, students seldom suffer or inflict any lasting damage, and we live to teach another day. Without this ability to switch off from time to time, I believe even the most dedicated professional would burn out too quickly. And I hope to teach for a long, long time.

My greatest teachers: part 1

In my humble opinion (yes, I'm being ironic!) good teachers like to teach, but great teachers like to learn. How can you inspire anyone to learn if you don't have a passion for knowledge yourself? (I want to be a great teacher, but I will need another couple of decades of learning first!)

We start learning as soon as we become sentient, and I want to pay tribute to everyone who has taught me valuable lessons.

From my dad I learned how much I love calmness, and stoicism. He always made me feel secure and confident in my abilities. Where some people might think to themselves, in a tricky situation, "What would Jesus do?", I think, "What would Dad do?"

My brother R has shown me what true strength of character is. He has had to go through a lot, but he has always remained honourable, kind and loving. He really does turn the other cheek. He was, to be less rose-tinted about things, a bit of a tyrant towards me when he was a teenager, but boy! Did that teach me to stand up for myself! Then he became my best friend and confidante when I was a teenager.

My sister S is the sunny flipside to my often sombre personality. She has been the one to help me lighten up when I need to, and keep things in perspective. She gathers people about her like a flower attracts butterflies, and they depart happier for the nectar of her open and friendly presence (not to mention her yummy food!)

I have also gained wisdom from some of the things my relatives taught me NOT to do:

• Ride a motorcycle very fast while drunk
• Jump off a roof with an umbrella as a parachute
• Eat millipedes
• Ride a bicycle before learning how to stop (or steer)
• Drive Dad's car around the neighbourhood without a licence
• Toss empty aerosol cans into a bonfire
• Go on a long international holiday by car - without your passport
• Borrow money
• Cut your toenails with a razor blade
• Drink tea over your laptop
• Do a backflip off a swing

Mostly, my family taught me that there is a bond between people who love each other that cannot be weakened by separation in time and distance. Sadly, I have also had to recognise that simply being related does not equal being connected.

"The Class"

The other night I was on my own and I started browsing the movies available on demand on TV. I stumbled across a surprising little gem, a subtitled French film called "Entre Les Murs" ("The Class") about a young teacher in a large comprehensive school in Paris. It is semi-autobiographical, written by Francois Begaudeau, who plays the lead role. Check out the link:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1068646/

The reason I enjoyed the film so much is its honest portrayal of teachers and students. It was weirdly comforting to see situations in a classroom in another country that were so familiar! Unlike the "inspiring" films about teaching like "Dangerous Minds", "Take the Lead" and "The Dead Poet's Society", there are no magic wands here. I always finish watching those films on a high, feeling that if I could just find the key, I could transform even the most cynical student into one who will soak up knowledge like a sponge, and start thinking independently. It takes only a day or two back at school to remember that this is not likely.

What comes across strongly in "The Class" is the teachers' passion for learning, along with their all-too-human failings. The apathy of many of the students is real and saddening, as are the glimpses into their personal circumstances, that go some way to explaining their attitudes. At the same time there are endearing moments when the divide between teacher and student is bridged. Some of the kids are genuinely funny too, and very smart. Very humbling, and that is something every teacher out there has experienced.

Spells I would like to cast

The title of my blog is no accident - I wish I were really a witch (a good one, obviously) so that I could bring about some magic for my students.

What spells would I cast? For starters, the Enthusiasm spell - how wonderful it would be if all the students had a love of, and thirst for, learning and knowledge! Just imagine - never having to hear "What's the point of this, Miss?" ever again! It's important to make school relevant to the students' lives, indeed, but then again, if all you ever learn is what you already know, how will you grow - intellectually, emotionally, spiritually?

My second spell of choice would be the Brief Glimpse into the Future spell. I would so love to be able to reassure the kids that, while bad hair days and spots might still occur in adulthood, they will have so little impact on ANYTHING that they are not worthy of all the angst!

With another potion, I would cast a Be an Individual spell. This would allow each student to express his/her unique style, without the fear of being judged by their peers (who are, in reality, so busy worrying that THEY don't fit in that they don't notice anyway!) This spell would need to be used alongside the Respect spell, so that no-one "expresses" their uniqueness to the detriment of everyone else.

A really useful tool would be the I Saw That spell. The next time someone lobs a ball of paper/wad of chewing gum/empty (or full) water bottle at a fellow student's head, this bit of magic would leave a bright red trail of guilty goo from the object to the offender's arm, as telling as the chemical that betrays the pool pisser with a blue cloud! It would also reverse the action, so that, like a boomerang, the hurled item would be returned to sender with satisfying results!

My personal favourite would probably be the Sticky Swear Words spell. Say the F-word (or worse) and potty-mouth's words will turn into vile-tasting toffee, making him literally eat his words. That would be more effective than my usual method, borrowed from Moss in "The IT Crowd" - saying "My ears are not a toilet!"

The ultimate, though, would have to be the I Love Reading spelling. I firmly believe that students who love reading could practically educate themselves - it's all out there, waiting to be discovered. Not to mention the hours of joy that reading provides! What a gift that would be - and I wouldn't even need to resort to writing saucy tales about my students, as one unfortunate teacher in England did!

Down time

I think it's very important to make the most of any free time you have as a teacher. Here are ten things you can do in 30 minutes to give yourself a well-earned break!

• Read that book you've been saving - preferably with a cup of tea and some chocolate.
• Go for a bike ride somewhere beautiful.
• Have a sauna followed by an ice-cold shower (if you are lucky enough to have access to one!)
• Stroll through an art gallery.
• Browse the latest funny videos on your local news site.
• Look at your favourite photo album - a short trip down memory lane can do wonders.
• Have a chat on the phone with an old friend.
• Lie with your feet up and listen to some music.
• Bake something delicious.
• Watch an interesting documentary on TV - for added benefit, do some yoga-like stretches.

The downsides of teaching

• You are never quite sure if your income is going to last the whole month
• It's next to impossible to "have a bad day" - you have to be upbeat all day, every day
• If you are actually sick, you still have to plan your lessons for the day and email them in
• You are not allowed to slap people whose automatic response on hearing what you do is to say "Oh, you have lots of time off then!"
• You are discouraged from expressing your personal views on politics or religion
• You never feel as if you have done enough for your students
• You have to wear business dress in an environment of dropped litter in the corridors and spat-out chewing gum on the carpet
• You have to be able to admit that some of your students are way smarter than you!
• You have to stay politically correct around colleagues who take the piss by being away more than they are there
• You have to keep copious amounts of CYA paperwork, using up time that you'd rather spend planning lessons or marking students' work

Reasons to love being a teacher

• You get to sleep late every day for 5-6 weeks in the summer
• You get to work from home (what the non-teaching world regard as holidays) for several weeks a year - great if you have your own children
• You never have to explain why you look exhausted
• You know for a fact that most teenagers are lovely - the minority give them all a bad name
• You know that your work is worthwhile
• You get to accompany school trips to learn really cool stuff
• You discover your own capacity for being positive
• You know that you are capable of working harder than most humans
• You learn about new trends among the youth first-hand - this prevents you seeming like an out-of-touch old fuddy-duddy
• You can get away with wearing fashions that are older than your students - no-one expects teachers to be stylish!

Spot the type!

Every school (to be fair, probably every organisation) has the stereotypical characters on staff. Think of your own staffroom - can you identify:

The martyr - the teacher who works later than anyone else, teaches more classes, has more naughty students, does more marking, gets less credit, but never, ever bitches about the job - just walks around looking ragged yet saintly.

The lad - prone to back-slapping with a wry grin, gives up his free time to run a sports club for the students, goes out for drinks with other teachers at least once a week, and seems to be on first-name terms with everyone on the SLT.

The slut - sorry, but teachers who wear very low-cut tops or very short skirts MUST be looking for attention for more than their lesson plans! This member of staff will have a bit of a history and a bit of a reputation, but will generally be a really pleasant and sympathetic person to talk to.

The life and soul - there may be a few of these - you will recognise them as the people who always have something to say at staff meetings, and it will usually involve an amusing, self-deprecating personal anecdote. They are utterly immune to the usual signals of eye-rolling and watch-checking, as they definitely have a strong fan base with whom they go drinking on a regular basis.

The ladder climber - the person who applies for every internal job advertised, determined to get up the career ladder as fast as possible. Their favourite acronym is CPD.

The wimp - why did this character opt for teaching? They are invariably home with sniffles, exhaustion or an anxiety attack after little Johnny gives them the finger in the playground. They spend a lot of time reminiscing about the wonderful school they taught in last year (then why did you leave?)

The coaster - masterful at data manipulation, this teacher can cruise for years with barely adequate teaching disguised by impressive and baffling spreadsheets. Only evinces signs of panic when Ofsted are around.

The psycho - clearly chose teaching so that he/she can intimidate children in the name of "discipline". Appears to genuinely dislike most young people, but can always justify their abusive behaviour by referring to "the rules".

The rebel - this person will be the most vociferous member of any of the unions, and will not bend one inch to do anything that is not stipulated in the contract. He or she would rather send emails and attend meetings about not filling in a form, than fill in a form, if said filling in of form is not approved by the union.

The victim - equipped with an invisible antenna to detect the slightest hint of injustice in allocation of classes/rooms/timetables/duties/emails/information/ etc etc. Usual refrain is "It's ridiculous!" or "How can they expect us to ...?"

Fortunately the vast majority of teachers are hard-working, dedicated, caring, tough and fair - believe it or not!

Next time: probably not what I say it will be, so find out for yourself!

Thank God it's holidays!

Like most teachers I was on my knees with exhaustion by the time the final bell rang on Friday - it had been the longest week ever, requiring an ability to justify the educational link between "High School Musical" (or similar) and whatever part of the curriculum we were meant to be slogging through with kids who have been mentally on leave since about May! The refrain "Can we have a fun lesson?" is anathema to teachers who sincerely believe that deconnotating Shakespeare is the height of fun!

The bell finally rang - shortly followed by ominous rolls of thunder. Was it possible? Could we really be in for another freak storm which would have us stranded at school until 6pm, when all we wanted was to get home and open the wine? The flooding a couple of summers ago couldn't have been timed worse. Some noble members of the profession spent that dismal afternoon doing prep for the following academic year, while the rest of us debated the H&S risks of donning scuba gear to brave the torrential roads and JUST GET OUT OF THERE!

Friday was excrutiating for an entirely different reason - the endless "We'll really miss you" speeches to the rats deserting the school ship - some of whom I didn't even recognise - and the Oscar-style tearful "acceptance speeches". Then the stampede for the food table - stand back while the obese members of staff attack first, piling their plates high and stashing a bread roll under each armpit! Comforting to know our youngsters are in the care of such shining role models ...

It was good to have a chat with the colleagues who have become good friends this year - we mostly live in our classrooms all term, eating lunch at our desks in grim solitude, so having a conversation that wasn't about Johnny's coursework or Frank's tendency to fart in class, was refreshing.

I must have yawned a hundred times during my drive home on Friday, as eight weeks of unremitting hard mental and emotional labour was finally allowed to be acknowledged. We are a tough lot, us teachers - we keep going, keep cheerful and motivational no matter how knackered we are - but come the holidays and we are, for the first few days at least, like inflatable toys (no, not THAT kind!) with the plug pulled out; all spring and bounce gone! But at least the summer holidays, unlike the mid-year ones, allow us to have a proper rest. No marking, and unless you're a first year teacher, just a few days going over schemes of work that you have already taught, tweaking them for the classes you are going to have in September.